I can't believe it's only been a week since the beginning of the semester. So much has happened really it's incredible. I'm trying to think where to start... I really liked "One of those loose connections that has everything to do with the location of your body..." I totally relate to that. Except in the business community that's really the only kind you have :/
Joel called me a couple days ago all upset and told me he doesn't think he can handle where we're at and all that. So I guess we're not talking anymore.
I reformatted my computer, nice and clean. Like my room.. sort of I think it needs another cleaning this weekend though.
I got really really drunk on saturday last week and was wondering outside on my own. That was pretty dumb. Marijuana is far superior to alcohol why don't we all just admit it. The worst thing that can happen high is eating too much.
We started having practice again last week. That proved to be very difficult. I think a lot of the girls are feeling discouraged right now, including myself. Winter is a hard time for rowers because we're not on the water and we spend all our practices just basically working out. This is not very fun at all, especially for me because I'm never really sure if I should be working out with them or encouraging/giving tips to them. It's hard to say what they want/need more. I'm also having a hard time because I'm feeling a lot of pressure with the other two novice coxswains. They're both quite close and have a tendency to unintentionally (I hope) gang up on me. Also, one of them (who's name is also Laura..) is a business major and is skinner (by a lot) than I am, gets better grades than I do, really I could go on for a while she basically is like a better version than I am. Which is very frustrating because normally in the event that someone is better than you you can like say "well maybe they do that better but I do THIS better" and somehow it feels ok. I can't really do that with her because its like everything I do she does too. I really just want to get out to our beautiful lake and feel at peace again.
Side note; our first regatta is 6 weeks from now... not like there's any pressure there.
Last week I got to spend a lot of time with Julia, that was really nice. I really like how easy it is to be around your family. There's something so real there. Like no matter what they HAVE to love you so there's no pressure to be someone you're not. That's a good thing to have in one's life.
I'm pretty busy this semester I'm realizing. There's not too terribly much time in the day. And certainly no time to relax. I'm pretty much a straight shot from around 9-8 monday-thursday plus crew on friday and saturday. It's really weird to be this busy because in high school I literally did nothing. I basically played video games and socialized all the time. Which is funny because I pretty much don't do either of those now. I'm finding myself more and more thinking that people are just too much of a hassle. Either they like me too much or the other way around. When was the last time I was anywhere remotely on the same page with someone else? Pretty much never. I just can't get over that disconnect. I want there to be something there but there's always something in the way. Like being in a room with a mirror on both sides but you can't ever see the other wall because your own reflection is in the way. I feel like I keep trying to make it work but I get blocked every which way.
People are just overwhelming to me I think. I'm very self-reliant. Maybe (yes) too self-reliant. It makes it hard for me to remember why I need people. I think I've finally realized the real truth. The truth is I DON'T need people. I don't need them at all. But they're nice to have around.. and that's really what it comes down to. It's just nice.
Why not try to make life a little nicer for yourself?
2 comments:
oh how i love thee.
marijuana is great. let's get lifted on vapey later... that is if it ever arrives... and if i can find weed...
anywho. i'm sorry your rowing isn't going as well as you could hope. i totally understand your better-version twin. I sometimes feel like my better-version twin is Julie, which is especially hard since I love her so much. Plus, it's hard to admit as her elder that she has superior intellect, beauty, and social skills to me. But whatever.
Everyone on NPR is freaking out about keeping their job... like the best thing we can do as a country is every-man-for-himself Darwinism where we fight to keep a job above our brothers and sisters in strife. If we worked together to fight this, perhaps we'd all lose our jobs, but working against a failing system together seems a far better alternative than letting the rich become richer and poor become poorer. As a business major, I'm constantly baffled as to how you can pursue work in such a selfish field when you, Laura Dewald, are such a caring and kind person, one who cares about her country and friends and generation. God. I just get so confused in this American-blah. And I can pretend like I don't get confused and everything makes perfect sense(like most of our "intellectuals"), but maybe this confused knowledge of our coporate country is why no one is making anything different or better. if we really understood it, we could change it to better meet our generation's needs.
Anyway. I guess that's a blog in and of itself, but you are great. And I will try very hard to make your rowing meet thing. Keep me posted on dates and times.
We will make it a point to go to your rowing meet as a family. But you know that you'll have to remind us, because if there is one thing that Rachel and I are both really good at, it is forgetting about things of great importance.
Sounds like you are way too busy. When do you even have time to do homework girl? Really? You are a strange creature to me. I understand your resilience against the human race, because I too have been somewhat aloof lately, but you can't spend all your time alone ,because that is when you lose your mind. Just remember that. You know you can always wake us up, or call us, or whatever. we don't want you to go crazy.
As for that Laura girl. She's pretty, smart, a coxswain, but can she manipulate people like you do? I doubt it. That is a skill that I have seen no equal to. And I know a lot of you manipulators. I am one. But you my friend are superior. Fuck that chick, she stole your name. You know she isn't real. She is just a projection of the self you want to be, and well, all I can say is that is crazy... just crazy.
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