entirely unsatisfied

hello fellow bloggers. let me first say that i am excited about my initiation into the wide world of interent bloggage. thanks to everyone who made this possible. also, i think it's awesome that we can make links, change font colors, and download pictures into our posts. this is top notch.

that being said, i suppose i should delve into the deep recesses of my mind to find something both interesting and audience appropriate to write about; something that will entertain as well as inspire self analysis and raise psychological questions.

however, i'm terribly bad at that and can't really think of anything to say. the truth is that i talk to both of you on such a regular basis that you pretty much know what's going on in my head. things like getting my shit together have already been discussed; we are getting our shit together as a family. look! we even have a blog! and a working washing machine! we're well on our way!

to be quite honest, most of my thought/subconscious has been filled with meloncholy worry of late. it doesn't seem that big of a deal to me that julie fucked tyler, but honestly, it has created a huge friendship gap in my life. i'm already lonely. i won't bore you guys with details because like i said, i talk to you all the time. but honestly. lonely. and now i'm away from julie and i'm very selfishly feeling abandoned and like she's caused more problems than she solved. something occurred to me today-- i really hate myself. i love myself too of course (even the briefest analalysis of the human psyche reveals self-obsession among our breed). however (not to get off topic as i so often do in real-life conversation), my epiphany is this: julie is just like me. sometimes almost too much like me. her mistakes are comparable to my mistakes, we share similar upbringing in a financially sound family, we are into the same things, we are both crazy and aware of it, we both are lush escapists... but... i hate things about me. and i hate them about her too. so sometimes i find myself hating her, most often when i'm hating myself as well. and then this whole sex thing just really pisses me off. like... she had everything. matt (whom i've had numerous off and on crushes for), tyler (who supposedly was into me, but apparently not....even though i didn't 100% share the affections), and even new york (!!) and respect from people like peter cavanaugh who was once such a large part of my life.

and now that i'm off on this tangent, i might as well admit that i still think about dan all the fucking time. i'm not regretful, sorrowful, or concerned; more pissed, competitive, and comparative. i always think about how different my life was "one year ago today...". and it's stupid. and i'm sick of it. with a little help from my own stubborn and horny despondency, dan literally drove me insane. i'm ready to be over him and in charge of my own life. it's hard to have someone call all the shots musically and socially, while still being financially dependent on you and a huge jackass. furthermore, it sucks to have that taken away, thus letting one person change your life's status quo. i guess i should have been getting over this in the summertime, but i was running.

i think we're all still running.